bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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