people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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