Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
