Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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