my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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