The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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