Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
