I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
