I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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