i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
