He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
