I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
