I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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