I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
