In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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