that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
