hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
