Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
