I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
