i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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