The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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