He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
