dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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