do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
