wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
