She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
