They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
