How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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