Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
