You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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