Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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