The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
