The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
