dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
