I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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