I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
