According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
