why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
