At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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