At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
