Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
