I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
