my phone needs a breathalizer
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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