i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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