Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
