i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize