you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
