every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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