I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
