Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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