I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
