you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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