9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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