The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
