Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
