I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
