bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize