I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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